An interview with myself...

Its a beautiful but rainy saturday morning over here in KL and why I say its beautiful is because we wont have to open our windows to be greeted by the foul smell of haze anymore, or atlease I hope we dont have to. The rain fell in fine waves much like flour being sifted into a bowl but now it seems as though the clouds are constipated. The rain reminds me that there is always a period of downpour and that the sun will always shine after the rain, well atleast around the tropics.

So how am I doing at the moment?
Awesome! I've never felt better since a couple of months back.

But aren't I always filled with assignments, reports and quizzes, doesnt that interfere with my wellbeing?
It does. I do complain a lot but instead of moving my mouth so much on these issues, why not expand my energy on my phalanges, i mean fingers in settling them before due date. No matter how much uni shit is thrown at us, we always manage to overcome it, just have to cut on sleeping time no biggie...

Tell myself more on why I feel better than before.
Well... I just feel that my life is getting back on track, Im more focused on what Im going to achieve instead of what I havent achieved yet. Just recently I've been perturbed by my own thoughts about things but now Im reassured and determined to change. I've made a promise between myself and a special friend.

And who motivated me to change?
Who else but my bestie? Who has always been there to offer a shoulder and being so ever patient. I just want to use this space to remind her again how much I cherish her guidance, wisdom and honesty. Your undying patience has kept me on my feet. I know things got off to a rough start this sem but the tide is changing already, my word is real.

Any last words before I end my interview?
Erm... not really... I was supposed to finish up this last part by yesterday night latest but I forgot what I wanted to say. Plus a spontaneous plan came about so I was busy and too exhausted when I reached home. Overall, yesterday has got to be the best day of the semester although I did nothing productive but I suppose bonding with friends counts as productive. Semi formal dinner party at a fancy restaurant which we spent half the time taking photos and then an unplanned mini roadtrip in which we spent a quarter of time keeping warm. Though some plans didnt work out for our little adventure roadtrip like stargazing or watching the 'sky turn brighter' and some parts frustrating like the colony of dudes up there (seriously all the guys in Malaysia is hiding up there), ultimately I had fun =)

What the past has to offer...

Some look into the past with a smile on their face. Some laugh thinking back to those golden days. Some feel embarassed. Some keep a straight face. Some are haunted by depression... Whatever the expressions may be, one thing is for sure, there is no escaping the past. Everybody has heard of the phrase "forgive and forget", but the truth is, there's forgiveness but actually memory cannot be erased. And this haunts even the toughest hearts of men and women. Lets say there's nothing to forgive about since you've done absolutely nothing wrong in your life at the moment, ever heard of the phrase "the past shapes the future"? Well that is my emphasis in this post.

It could be anything you've done in the past, or anything that has occurred to you, the keyword here is experience. We learn from experiences dont we? Lets say there's something in the past you would never ever ever want to ever think of ever again (ie. forget about), how are you possibly going to ever move forward from there? My point is, you will never be able to take an agressive and confident step forward should you have never looked and thought back about your past. Because, when the situation arises again (any situation) and you feel like you're retracing your previous footsteps, think of it this way, you're more well prepared for it now than the last time (more experienced) and THAT is your advantage. You'll know exactly what to do and you'll do it right this time.

So next time when someone tells you, that there's no point looking back, just keep looking forward and move on with your life, you take a gooooooooooooooood look back first, take some time (or a long time) to process ALL the things you should and shouldn't do next time before moving along. Scars remind us that the past is real, so if you dont look back before taking a new step forward, you'll be walking along the same pathway that was paved by your past.

Linkin Park - Easier to Run

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me

The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made)

It's easier to go

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

1 Big Project, 1 Major Deadline...

I think if i had 1 wish right now, I'd wish that i could wear the shoes of someone else and observe a world of difference, the real world. The point is, nobody knows how different your world is compared to them. Everything you hear, feel, see, smell and touch is different from your buddies. If someone were to step into my shoes...

There I am, a miniature and standing before me are 3 giants. Beyond all that... is a new life. A feeling not comparable with anything else in this forsaken world. Is this possible? I dont know. Escaping would be the hardest thing to do as the reward is so close but yet even further from me than I thought. I will take my chances, I just remembered, Im not a quitter!

Now that you've sort of stepped into my shoes, do you get it? No right? dont worry, you're not supposed to. haha... as I mentioned above, nobody knows what you're thinking or going through. But if you do understand.. you're just as weird as I am =)

Sweet dreams and good bye

"No...", stunned by her reply his heart stood still, skipping a few beats occasionally. "B-but... wwhy, hhow come?" he asked while grasping for air. The firm breeze lurked by instantly, her long brown hair suaved gracefully strand by strand, his tears dried before they could even escape the bottom eyelid. "Because... well... you're a great guy but I just cant see myself with you". She was so confident with her words, there was no way I could ever change her mind a single bit he thought. "Look, we could still be great friends right?" as she attempted to comfort. "Right..." it was that sort of constipated face he showed which he actually found the words hard to swallow. It was a sign of defeat and he knew it. Life goes on for sure, but he knew the reason for the rejection. Whatever, he said softly, like a man would say to another man, "may the best man win" except this time it wasnt him. "Beautiful isnt it?" she gazed at the night sky. Marvellous if only... he thought in his mind. "Yeah beautiful...very... nice". The wind stopped.

Nothing but memories streamed through his head from the moment he was seized by her beauty to all the late night conversations, future plans and promises, it could go on forever. But he remembered fondly being with her at the beach a day before, sitting together on the silky smooth sands he noticed a smile on her face. She said she felt a sense of freedom, freedom from getting away from it all that is. He was just enjoying the view of clear blue waters when asked in return. He looked at her turning away. Truth is, he felt at the top of the world even doing something as simple as sitting beside her. Beautiful isnt it? Heyyy anybody there? she was smiling. Oh! yeah yeah! looking foolish as though he just recovered from shock. You are so dreamy at times she said while laughing. Is it wrong to be mesmerized by you, he thought as he smiled back. The memories hit him hard. He found himself losing consciousness, the sight of her dimmed and soon everything around him turned white.

His heart warmed with the feeling of soft skin encasing him. Lying in her arms, he noticed a sea of clouds beneath in which they were on. What's going on? where are we? he asked never being so confused in his life. Hush.. her soft spoken voice sounded, I will never leave you, you are safe with me here... The comforting words, so confident, so genuine, so righteous. You promise? There was no reply. Before he could call her name, his world was sucked into a black hole. Now eyes were wide open, he noticed a bird by the window, it stared for a moment before departing. If only I was as free to release my wings and fly away like the bird he thought sitting on his bed.