Oh, that BIG smile on my face?

For the first time, im not by my backyard expressing my thoughts... Making this a contradictory post as i am thinking with dudes sitting next to me, minding their own business on a sat night/sun morning in a CC. I have a load of things on my mind to convert into text that'll last forever. Problem is whether i can recall everything from weeks and weeks ago...

Lets begin with an interesting, short and yet very meaningful lecture by my bro. Everything quoted here aren't my thoughts, so ill try my best to recall accurately what he said.

They say that you're more creative when you're young, you wont think twice or trice before deciding to do something or rather, anything (at least the only thing i ever thought of is whether my parent would beat me up as a consequence.... nah who cares). Then when you grow up, your knowledge develops and you think and think and think and think before doing something so simple for example, eating a bar of choc before going to bed. So why does this dramatic change occur? No, its not puberty... Its education. The thing is, education or education in malaysia, stresses students to think in a single file and only in a single file. If not then in two ways only. This loss of brain stimulation indeed takes its toll on producing youthful and lively minds. Which brings me to the next point, as most people who are so called matured at the age of 18 think this, "We stop playing when we grow older". But for the rest of us who are still young at heart, "We grow older when we stop playing!!!"

Moving on to relationships...

You see... the world is changing. I sense the evidence in this, because coming across many female friends and personal observations, the roles of females and males are evolving. In this sense, evolving simply refers to the change of duties in which traditional females and males carried out. For example, girls dont do much cooking anymore, rather, they would want a guy who can cook for them in the future. My mom and im sure most moms tell their son(s) that they're going to have a hard time in the future with an ever demanding girlfriend or wife. So i replied, "society is changing, if guys cant adapt, give in to the changes and work on a compromise basis, then may the best man win". Feel free to disagree with me on this. Because im on the side of being more sensitive to these changes.

And on other stuffs...

I've been wanting to shake off something that has been constantly disturbing me since about a couple of weeks ago. Ever felt a feeling so genuine, so real, but know that the result will only turn out to be an illusion? What is this feeling? I don't want to admit knowing and wished it never occured. Is it normal for something like this to happen? because for certain reasons, i wouldn't want history to repeat itself. But if history has a chance to repeat itself, why not make it as righteous as possible? That kept me hanging on the line, only trouble is, well, its an illusion and will probably never come true.

And more stuffs...

nah.. its late, better head home and hit the sack. Until next time, cheers!

Its a beautiful life...

4 weeks til exams begin... no hurry right? Especially when we still have a report due on the week before exams. Bloody hell...

I have a new guideline to my life. It seems very clear to me at this point in time that my life revolves around alphabets. They are NP, P, C, D and HD. Okay minus the last one cuz im not capable of reaching that level. Ya i know its so sad... ahahahaah.. psycho.

its not just 1 but 2 subjects affected...

Ever had the feeling of bursting out but just dont have time to? That's what i feel at the moment. My chest is so heavy with disappointment. Reality hit me once before and once more today. So its just studies why am i sulking away? You wont understand...

Just cant find the energy to put more effort in my work than anybody else... fucking retarded! fucking stupid.

What I'm Thinking of by the backyard at this moment...

Put a bullet through my brain. Send me to the clouds where we can dance on the soft white floors beneath us... No need to worry as there's no weight on our shoulders...

I need something to fucking punch!!! Arrgh! Where's my dog?!!

Facing the facts of life?

"How have you been?"

"very stressed..." i answered. I was on the phone with my dad just a couple of days ago while he was still in Vietnam.

"Your dance concert is over right?"

"yes..."

"Are you still working?"

"yes..."

"Maybe that's where the stress is coming from." he said firmly as he never supported the idea of me working and studying.

"NO! if I dont work, id be broke."

"Then have you been coming home late again?" he said sarcastically (like lepaking).

"NO! I've only been staying up late for studies okay!" I was pissed at his assumptions and that he cant just say something like "take it easy".

I talked to my mom about it... Her interpretation makes sense to me now, as in today i realised it. She told me that what my dad was trying to say is whether I am getting enough sleep to cope with the stress. Additionally, she mentioned that working is draining a lot of my time. But its only 8hrs on one day of the weekend!? True... but the weekends is the time for you to sort out all your work so that you could carry it out efficiently, plus its also the only time to rest properly. I kept quiet.

See what's dragging me down these few days is the fact that my results are slipping or inconsistent. I know year 2 is tough but its manageable. Some of us went through a tough week before our dance concert and I barely made it through in terms of studies. Physiology quiz, no comments, I just fucked up both of them. Physio lab worksheets, commentable, marks were satisfactory for both but obviously not happy with them. I just want to say, I understand the feelings of those who didnt do as good as their labmates. Because the effort and honesty we put into it didnt pay. But just know this, our marks determine what we truely know about the subject matter. So if you were honest with yourself and got poor results then shit happens la face it and try again next time. There's no point comparing with those who copied and got away with excellent grades with big smiles on their faces and the sense of achievement.

Moving along, I asked myself, could working and/or dancing be impeding my studies? It seems very likely. Should I stop? Should I give up something(s) I fell in love doing to focus on something I forced myself into doing for 1 year + more and has a poor job prospect in the related field? I read this somewhere, "we learn science, but we dont graduate as scientists after all that studying, its only the few high achievers that'll make it through" (something like that la). Knowing myself I dont like giving up so easily or taking the easy way out of life's turbulence. But the slacking results from studies does show that Im incompetent, that Im not good enough to juggle work, play and education all at once. THAT IS WHAT'S PISSING ME OFF!!! Im losing against myself, fuck!

Then i realised that my parents were right! For once... (hahaha!) It may be a small fuss to talk about but I admit, I want to prove to them that I can cope and yet get good grades (D's) mainly to satisfy myself after the torturous amounts of assignments, report and quizzes. I will not quit, that's for certain. D's are what I want and I will puke blood to get it. As nerdy as it may sound, lets not forget, Im from Monash Uni bitch its a culture what do you expect?! Just kidding lar. But our library is seriously so happening. wahahaha...

Isnt it a sight worth capturing? Sights like these stimulate an endless array of nostalgia.

-I cant give up, not after all I've been through