"How have you been?"
"very stressed..." i answered. I was on the phone with my dad just a couple of days ago while he was still in Vietnam.
"Your dance concert is over right?"
"yes..."
"Are you still working?"
"yes..."
"Maybe that's where the stress is coming from." he said firmly as he never supported the idea of me working and studying.
"NO! if I dont work, id be broke."
"Then have you been coming home late again?" he said sarcastically (like lepaking).
"NO! I've only been staying up late for studies okay!" I was pissed at his assumptions and that he cant just say something like "take it easy".
I talked to my mom about it... Her interpretation makes sense to me now, as in today i realised it. She told me that what my dad was trying to say is whether I am getting enough sleep to cope with the stress. Additionally, she mentioned that working is draining a lot of my time. But its only 8hrs on one day of the weekend!? True... but the weekends is the time for you to sort out all your work so that you could carry it out efficiently, plus its also the only time to rest properly. I kept quiet.
See what's dragging me down these few days is the fact that my results are slipping or inconsistent. I know year 2 is tough but its manageable. Some of us went through a tough week before our dance concert and I barely made it through in terms of studies. Physiology quiz, no comments, I just fucked up both of them. Physio lab worksheets, commentable, marks were satisfactory for both but obviously not happy with them. I just want to say, I understand the feelings of those who didnt do as good as their labmates. Because the effort and honesty we put into it didnt pay. But just know this, our marks determine what we truely know about the subject matter. So if you were honest with yourself and got poor results then shit happens la face it and try again next time. There's no point comparing with those who copied and got away with excellent grades with big smiles on their faces and the sense of achievement.
Moving along, I asked myself, could working and/or dancing be impeding my studies? It seems very likely. Should I stop? Should I give up something(s) I fell in love doing to focus on something I forced myself into doing for 1 year + more and has a poor job prospect in the related field? I read this somewhere, "we learn science, but we dont graduate as scientists after all that studying, its only the few high achievers that'll make it through" (something like that la). Knowing myself I dont like giving up so easily or taking the easy way out of life's turbulence. But the slacking results from studies does show that Im incompetent, that Im not good enough to juggle work, play and education all at once. THAT IS WHAT'S PISSING ME OFF!!! Im losing against myself, fuck!
Then i realised that my parents were right! For once... (hahaha!) It may be a small fuss to talk about but I admit, I want to prove to them that I can cope and yet get good grades (D's) mainly to satisfy myself after the torturous amounts of assignments, report and quizzes. I will not quit, that's for certain. D's are what I want and I will puke blood to get it. As nerdy as it may sound, lets not forget, Im from Monash Uni bitch its a culture what do you expect?! Just kidding lar. But our library is seriously so happening. wahahaha...
Isnt it a sight worth capturing? Sights like these stimulate an endless array of nostalgia.
-I cant give up, not after all I've been through
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