Its a beautiful life...

4 weeks til exams begin... no hurry right? Especially when we still have a report due on the week before exams. Bloody hell...

I have a new guideline to my life. It seems very clear to me at this point in time that my life revolves around alphabets. They are NP, P, C, D and HD. Okay minus the last one cuz im not capable of reaching that level. Ya i know its so sad... ahahahaah.. psycho.

its not just 1 but 2 subjects affected...

Ever had the feeling of bursting out but just dont have time to? That's what i feel at the moment. My chest is so heavy with disappointment. Reality hit me once before and once more today. So its just studies why am i sulking away? You wont understand...

Just cant find the energy to put more effort in my work than anybody else... fucking retarded! fucking stupid.

What I'm Thinking of by the backyard at this moment...

Put a bullet through my brain. Send me to the clouds where we can dance on the soft white floors beneath us... No need to worry as there's no weight on our shoulders...

I need something to fucking punch!!! Arrgh! Where's my dog?!!

Facing the facts of life?

"How have you been?"

"very stressed..." i answered. I was on the phone with my dad just a couple of days ago while he was still in Vietnam.

"Your dance concert is over right?"

"yes..."

"Are you still working?"

"yes..."

"Maybe that's where the stress is coming from." he said firmly as he never supported the idea of me working and studying.

"NO! if I dont work, id be broke."

"Then have you been coming home late again?" he said sarcastically (like lepaking).

"NO! I've only been staying up late for studies okay!" I was pissed at his assumptions and that he cant just say something like "take it easy".

I talked to my mom about it... Her interpretation makes sense to me now, as in today i realised it. She told me that what my dad was trying to say is whether I am getting enough sleep to cope with the stress. Additionally, she mentioned that working is draining a lot of my time. But its only 8hrs on one day of the weekend!? True... but the weekends is the time for you to sort out all your work so that you could carry it out efficiently, plus its also the only time to rest properly. I kept quiet.

See what's dragging me down these few days is the fact that my results are slipping or inconsistent. I know year 2 is tough but its manageable. Some of us went through a tough week before our dance concert and I barely made it through in terms of studies. Physiology quiz, no comments, I just fucked up both of them. Physio lab worksheets, commentable, marks were satisfactory for both but obviously not happy with them. I just want to say, I understand the feelings of those who didnt do as good as their labmates. Because the effort and honesty we put into it didnt pay. But just know this, our marks determine what we truely know about the subject matter. So if you were honest with yourself and got poor results then shit happens la face it and try again next time. There's no point comparing with those who copied and got away with excellent grades with big smiles on their faces and the sense of achievement.

Moving along, I asked myself, could working and/or dancing be impeding my studies? It seems very likely. Should I stop? Should I give up something(s) I fell in love doing to focus on something I forced myself into doing for 1 year + more and has a poor job prospect in the related field? I read this somewhere, "we learn science, but we dont graduate as scientists after all that studying, its only the few high achievers that'll make it through" (something like that la). Knowing myself I dont like giving up so easily or taking the easy way out of life's turbulence. But the slacking results from studies does show that Im incompetent, that Im not good enough to juggle work, play and education all at once. THAT IS WHAT'S PISSING ME OFF!!! Im losing against myself, fuck!

Then i realised that my parents were right! For once... (hahaha!) It may be a small fuss to talk about but I admit, I want to prove to them that I can cope and yet get good grades (D's) mainly to satisfy myself after the torturous amounts of assignments, report and quizzes. I will not quit, that's for certain. D's are what I want and I will puke blood to get it. As nerdy as it may sound, lets not forget, Im from Monash Uni bitch its a culture what do you expect?! Just kidding lar. But our library is seriously so happening. wahahaha...

Isnt it a sight worth capturing? Sights like these stimulate an endless array of nostalgia.

-I cant give up, not after all I've been through

28/3/2009 - present

Air at last!!! But what about the 2 reports, 1 assignment and 2 quizzes due next week? Mid sem break has begun, so ill see to my studies soon enough... after i get my @#*^%&$ SLEEP! For God's sake a mid sem break is a time for you to catch up with the happening HD students in monash. I beg to differ. After spending the last 2 weeks or so under pressure beyond my tolerance, this and only THIS is MY time to uhu glue MYSELF to MY bed.

Lets recap...

I've only recently started to appear online again and managed to check out facebook which has been sending me tonnes of updates to my poor hotmail account. Well there's always an explanation. Between the 28th of March til the 3rd of April was without a doubt my toughest week of uni so far. Within that week, the average hours of sleep i got was between 3 to 4 hours per day and sometimes even 2hrs. 2 reports were due on 30th, 1 quiz on 31st, 1 essay assignment due 1 - 3rd, 1 dance performance on 1st and finally a presentation on the 3rd of April. You're probably thinking "cehhh I've had this this that and even more things to juggle". Well it IS manageable... But! with our dance concert practices burning up our free time til 10 - 11pm on our free-er days so that we can "burn the dance floor" for our audience, do we really have time? Could the so called technique of 'time management' advised by the uni to help cope with just about everything assist us with the weight on our shoulders? What if I've spreaded my work load for the week but dont have the energy to carry it out? That was the whole problem. Time management should be paired with energy management aka getting enough rest and this is starting to sound like some therapy session, okay CHUP! Anyhow that was one hectic week which costed me my overall well-being and headache for the next several days. To top it all up, there was a period of social turmoil that led to depression in some including myself. What was a slight misunderstanding snowballed into a friendship-on-the-line issue. Many a time there were struggles to bring it all back together, tears were shed, voices were raised and hearts were tainted.

Im glad things are more or less steady now, although i wished things were like before which is why i say "what happened to the good times?" Sigh... Things change, people change, if only we were humble enough to forgive one another and carry on with our lives.

Anyway, the big night (9/4/09) is officially over!! So happy!! here are some pics of MDFC's Extravaganza concert:

and finally the post-concert... of course there were a lot more performers.

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate all dancers, FANTASTIC JOB PEEPZ!!! All that hardcore training T.T, the scoldings, the eye-bags, the carpet burns, the bruises, the stinky dance room, the tears, the bloodshed and most importantly the time spent together will always be treasured in my mind, heart and soul...